That Butler, The Cookinapper
by Tristana
Summary: "You seemed to have gained weight recently, Sebastian." No matter how much Sebastian wanted to prove his Young Master wrong, it was still there, this horizontal expansion... In search for the culprit, Sebastian discovers that it went missing. CRACK!


My very first Kuroshitsuji fanfiction - please do not kick me. I did my best at crack, though it was hard avoiding the UST. I used the anime - both seasons, obviously, as a ref' because I couldn't get my paws on the manga... notably due to me being lazy.

Actually, the first idea to write a Kuro fic appeared from listening to **A Libertine So Grim**'s ideas when she was writing herself and when season 2 started, I fell totally head over heels for... a butler sammich! - Well hot dog... Man... hot cat, more like... *gets 'silverwared' by Sebby so she'd shut up* There there... More crack will follow I am sure.

I apologize for any accuracy, I don't for the OoCiness - though honestly... Sebby being a cat person, wearing black and being as close to a catty guy as possible (the reason we don't see his demon form is because he was supposed to have cat's ears but then, he would have been sued by Loveless' author... and by whoever due to prostiboots abuse. Ahem...) - point is: he has to like sweet things!

Note: I edited it because I just saw I repeated a whole passage at the beginning. Sorry for the inconvenience.

**Title:** Sebby and the Cookienapper! - aka Sebby, Cookies and Ruthless Thievery... or anything...

**Author:** Lil' ol' me.

**Disclaimer: **Me not own. Else we'd have a cat pawning a spider... (Having evil black cats at home doesn't help being sane...)

**Warning: **Crack, presence of cookies, UST - guess who? And my perverted, weird ideas...

**The idea behind the fic: **There are many many things that one may never know about Kuroshitsuji. Fortunately, demons are not bakchich-proof and thus, we were able to reconnect the missing elements to answer some of the questions everyone would have asked.

As I am but my Master's Servant, I would not pretend that those records are the entire truth, though it seemed pretty accurate. They are the result of a long and tireing survey conducted behind the scenes.

Here they are, the Kuroshitsuji hidden files:

**Did Sebastian gain weight between the two seasons?**

That Butler, The Cookinapper...

It was a normal morning in the Phantomhive Mansion, as per usual, Sebastian took care of all early day duties in order to bring Ciel his breakfast accompanied with a Pai Mu Tan he recently purchased from a certain Chinese man. Ciel being not accustomed to white tea, it may have been a bold move on Sebastian's part to propose it to him so early in the morning but he thought that some change would be appreciated by his young master.

It was not until the boy finished his tea that he looked at his butler, assessing him somehow. Sebastian did not move, waiting for his master's inspection to end when the blow fell.

"You seemed to have gained weight recently, Sebastian." Ciel spoke in that matter-of-factly tone that was his characteristic. He did not look displeased or anything, just watching Sebastian, perhaps waiting for a confirmation or denial. It was not a question though, and the demon knew it.

Sebastian bowed and left, narrowing his eyes in the process. It was true that for a few weeks now, his clothes felt slightly tighter, but he never thought anyone would notice. Again, Ciel was with him almost constantly from dawn to dusk so it was bound to happen. In a way, he was grateful that his young master was not like the Trancy one – he knew that Claude sometimes had to undergo some kind of inspection and suddenly, he almost felt sorry for the other butler. Almost. Not that he hated him – hate, like many feelings, was unnecessary and indeed, more of an hindrance in his line of work. Retreating to his room, he went to check on his reflection – really, he was becoming quite vain, certainly the influence of a certain someone. Someone who will have to pay for the humiliation of his master calling him on his... geographical expansion.

He shook his head slightly. Now was not the time to think aobut such things. It was not his fault anyway. Maybe his human form was just not as perfect as his demonic one? However, there was no denying that his clothes WERE tighter. Now now, he should perhaps go and find the culprit. Waltzing through the mansion, leaving all but clean furnitures and sparkling cutlery in his wake, Sebastian made his way to the kitchen. Where were they? He was sure he put them in the top left cupboard – a place normally untouched by anyone but him. No one ever touched his spices and he was under the unsettling, if highly satisfactory impression, that the other servants had tales about whoever opened that cupboard. It happened to Finny one day and Sebastian could not help but smirk when reminiscing. He gave the boy the fright of his life on that day, really. Finny would not even dare to look at him for days, let alone enter the kitchen. Shuffling behind the spice rack, he felt it. Taking it from its hiding place, he put the object back on the table. It was a long, rectangular wooden box with a 'SM' engraved on it. The kind of boxes used to store precious spices. But it was not spices that were revealed when he opened it, oh no.

Right under his nose, lo and behold! Triple chocolate and cinnamon cookies. He took one carefully between his index finger and his thumb, admiring the perfect, if slightly jagged, roundness of the biscuit, the meltingly delicious aroma of dark chocolate that seemed to seep through the air. Truly, the most wonderful invention man could have thought of. As he was lifting the cookie to his mouth to have a taste of Paradise on Earth, he suddenly saw something he did not notice at first: one of those edible jewels was not here anymore. Who dared to venture to HIS cupboard and steal HIS cookies? A shift of shadows and the sound of glasses being adjusted told him who it was. To say that he was angry was a pretty euphemism, but he was no barbarian and thus, he turned around to come face to face with...

Claude Faustus no less. True, he was pretty relieved that it was not a certain red-haired walking disaster, but it went without saying that he would have appreciated it if his fellow butler made his presence known beforehand.

"Did the Trancy household go bankrupt for you to come here and steal food?"

"Not food, I'm afraid. However, I do admit that you did pretty well at baking those... Never thought that you would steep so low as making sweets." The other butler was smiling complacently, all the while biting small chunks of cookie.

"And I never thought someone such as you would be so inclined as eating said sweets. What do I owe the displeasure of your visit to?" Though pleasant enough, his tone was belied by the sharp glint of his eyes. Demons were not supposed to get along and considering how close they both were in the food chain, Sebastian knew he had to tread carefully. The Princes might not be so keen on letting him off the hook should he try and destroy one of his kin. Especially considering his slightly... fuller figure.

"Would 'to try and rest after another week of being pestered by a whimsical child' do as an excuse?"

The weary expression Claude bore was not unknown to Sebastian. He himself sometimes had to fight the urge to snap at his young master. But his master was Ciel Phantomhive, a pure yet tainted child. That was more than what could be ever said for Alois Trancy. "I would not know, but let's call a truce. Would you like some tea? My young master is otherwise occupied with his fiancé and would not need me for the next hour."

To Claude's ears, this sounded awfully close to an invitation and if he were to believe what he saw in the garnet eyes of his counterpart, he would see that it was but the tip of the iceberg. He shook the thought out of his head for now – he heard rumours about the demon that now was called Sebastian Michaelis. And surely, Sebastian himself heard about him. They were predators on the prowls who had to take care of their prey until their soul were ripe. Sometimes, he wished he did not have to wait but again, feasts such as those could last for a long time so there was no need to hurry. He nodded at Sebastian, knowing he already crossed a line in stealing one of his biscuits. To be honest, he was not supposed to know about them but since Sebastian had previously taken the liberty to browse through the Trancy estate, he did not see anything wrong in doing the same. Also, he was slightly uneasy, something that stemmed from his encounter with the other demon on that particular night. He could feel the tension like electricity and knew what it meant. He knew that Sebastian knew and it was a matter of whose control would snap first. He nodded again as the fine porcelain cup was laid in front of him.

However, to recognize a certain sense of kinship did not mean that Sebastian could accept anything from the other man and, after biting mercilessly on the poor cookie he was holding, went on: "As a butler of the Phantomhive family, there are things I cannot tolerate."

"Such as?" Came the short reply of the other man who was holding his cup idly.

"Such as a man pretending to be a butler not even being able to notice that he has crumbs on his face, for starters. There are other things as well but I do believe it would be better to leave them out for now." With this, he smirked at Claude, obviously thinking the other man will be at a loss for words. Unfortunately, karma was not on his side today.

"Indeed, it looks like you are much more experienced than I am with human food."

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. Was Claude implying that he was a glutton? That was positively uncalled for but he had to keep his cool. It would not do to have demonic insides splattered all over the place. He might be a butler, but it did not mean that he actually enjoyed cleaning. And blood was awfully difficult to get rid off of. Without knowing it, he was staring at his counterpart, just as Claude was licking the incriminated biscuit crumbs left at the corner of his lips. The gesture reminded Sebastian of something he saw long ago, though he could not pinpoint the sensation. If the other butler noticed, he did not let his careful mask of indifference slide and sipped his tea, closing his eyes for a moment. Well, who was he fooling anyway? There was no point in denying himself this oh-so simple guilty pleasure – especially when he knew of pleasures largely higher on the guilt scale.

Sebastian finally sat across of Claude, a lazy smirk playing on his lips. He knew that silence and he could see in the other butler's golden eye that it was mutual. So they were to play cat and mouse? Interesting. It had been a long time since he last 'played' with one of his kind and to be fair, he somehow missed it. He barely knew Claude as a butler but he heard other demons talk about him and if half of the rumours were true, this will prove to be fun. He was smirking and it did slip past the other demon. Yet, they would not move, too occupied as they were in assessing each other. There was something highly interesting in doing so: one's flaw would be reflected in the other, or not. They were not perfect, no matter how perfect they looked at this point, drinking tea in silence. Claude had to admit that this situation had been a possibility ever since he 'stumbled' on Sebastian peering through the drawers in the bedroom. He could feel it crawling against his skin, trying to invade him. And he had had to rein in his instinct, for it was not proper for the butler of the Trancy family to steep this low. No matter how hard it burned. But he recalled his orders. He had to bring Ciel to his Master and he will. And he knew full well that Sebastian will never let go of his precious earl. He would react the same way should the Phantomhive heir go and claim Alois. At least, that's what he wanted to believe. The kid was getting on his nerves worse than a tarantella would.

"You know it is wrong, though." It was not a question. Sebastian was not the kind of man to ask. Far from it.

"No matter how wrong it is, I will not disobey my master. Just as you would not go against a direct order yourself." His tone was even, though Claude was slightly unsure. Sebastian's reputation of being one of the wildest demon around, added to his usual disregard for orders made a stark contrast with the collected butler he had in front of him. This is what it was. A façade, something he put on for his charge – one that Claude could pierce should he want to.

"There is no reason for you to have come here then. I will not let you take Ciel... or did you come for something else?" His demonic nature suddenly became more apparent, sharp fangs showing and eyes shining a poisonous magenta. He was in for the kill – hopefully, his prey would take the bait.

"I did not come to take your master away. As for the reason behind my visit, it was a whim on my part." Golden eyes shone brighter, akin to a flame. He knew what was in store for him – and he would never back down. He hadn't fed in a long time and was getting tired of Alois antics. Tired of the boy trying to tempt him though it was no use.

Sebastian slowly got up to stand in front of the other man, smiling secretively. "Do you really think you are in a position to argue?"

Claude couldn't but shoot back a snarky remark. "Do you think you are in a position to order me around?"

"And if I am?" Though his eyes were now calculating, Sebastian's smile never quite left his lips. In fact, he would enjoy breaking this demon very much. To protect Ciel, of course. Making the bastard demon pay for the theft of his biscuit having nothing to do with it... not at all.

His mind barely had time to register what was happening when a shadow suddenly pounced on him like a large cat. At the mention of cat, Sebastian did not even think of fighting back the arms that snaked around his waist to hold him. Whatever was Claude thinking? It was not enough to be surrounded by dimwits from dawn to duck, he had to bear with a touchy-feely, demonic dimwit who dare to steal HIS cookies!

Sebastian was getting really close to let the silverware loose on his colleague's behind when a hand apparently felt him up, while lips were getting too close to his face for comfort. Staring as levelly as he could to the thief, he started to wonder what in Hell's name was going on.

"Should drop the cookies, Chubbyshitsuji..." And with that, Claude was gone, leaving an outraged Sebby with his box of biscuits minus one to cry on.

He will make him pay! Slowly, painfully, oh yes, he will pay! He started to laugh evilly, much like the demon he was, unaware of the other servants who entered the room. The sight of Sebastian cackling – rather un-Sebby-likely – on the floor with an opened box of cookies next to him was unusual enough to make their jaws drop. Finny gathered his bearings rapidly, though, and ended up asking Bard why would be the butler so... weird.

"Well, I guess that we'll have to tell Master Ciel that a single cookie is enough to send him on a sugar high..."

"A what?"

At that point, Sebastian started to wail, apparently mourning a cookie... Which sent the other three on the floor in shock and locked them in that state for about half an hour, the time for Sebastian to get back to normal and kick them out of the kitchen. Closing carefully the metallic box, he sighed. "I will have to find a better hiding place for my little treasures... Maybe under Young Master's bed..." With that he was gone, in a far better mood, extra-pounds forgotten...

… until he faced Ciel's massive mirror.

A/N: The actual logic of hiding things in Ciel's room is not to be discussed... However, it seems that it did not prevent cookies from disappearing altogether. The truth may as well be elsewhere...

Any thoughts? Would you be willing to follow me to the Land of Crackdom or did my little story leave you on the side of the road? Criticism and help are more than welcome!

Thanks for reading!


End file.
